I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
