Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
