Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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