a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
