I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
