My liver just broke up with me...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
