Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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