So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
