1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I will be naked everywhere
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
