I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
