What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
