Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
