Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
