Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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