My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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