I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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