i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
