remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just want nice things and good sex
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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