i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize