dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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