Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
