The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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