i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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