don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
