Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
