so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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