i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
