I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
