can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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