she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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