My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
