Don't make out with my wife yet
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
