Only a mothe r could love this liver
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
