Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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