I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
