Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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