made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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