my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
