it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
