never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
