38 yer olds are good kisserssss
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
