Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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