I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
