So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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