i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
