Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
