I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
not ubering you a puppy
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize