and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
