My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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