i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
