wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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