when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
