Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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