The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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