I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
