Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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