The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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