My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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