her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
