I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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