I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
