Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
