They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
